"The Dwarf from Before"

Top of Act II.  Lights up on JEREMY, at the table.  The familiar strains of “Game Day” from Act I can be heard.

JEREMY

It’s Game Day

The week is gone

The adventure is on

There’s never quite a day

Like Game Day

CHAZZ enters.

CHAZZ

It’s Game Day!

I’m ready to roll…

DARCY enters.

DARCY
Gonna kill that troll…

DAVE enters.

DAVE
Gonna trap that soul…

MAGGIE enters.

MAGGIE
Gonna swing my sword.

TJ and JENNY enter.

TJ and JENNY
Gonna fight the Horde!

ALL

Going out of my gourd!

‘Cause there’s never quite a day for the nerds to play

Like a Sunday in the Fall when the jocks play ball

And the streets are packed like the odds are stacked

In the crucible of fantasy

The cauldron of philosophy

The respite from all mockery…

That is Game Day!

JEREMY
Alrighty, everyone, let’s get going.  Grab some food…

DARCY
I brought soup!  Vegetable soup – it’s really good…

JEREMY
That’s great, everybody get a bowl.  In the meantime, Chazz: recap!

CHAZZ
Okay, so, last time on D&D 5-E, we had just gotten out of the dungeon…

DAVE
Fucking terrifying dungeon…

CHAZZ
Fucking terrifying dungeon, yeah, super-scary…

JENNY
I literally had nightmares about that Displacer Beast thingy.  I woke up thinking my cat was one and I almost wet the bed.

TJ
She did wet the bed.

JENNY
Shut up…

CHAZZ

Anyway, we got out the dungeon at which point Grundar…

JEREMY
Grundor.

CHAZZ
What?

JEREMY

“Grundor.”  With an “o.”

MAGGIE

Wait, who is that?

CHAZZ
It’s that Goblin person thing, right?

JEREMY
No, no, that’s Gruktar, your guide in the…wait a second…

(Starts looking through notes.)

DARCY
I thought that was the Half-Orc guy – no, that’s Horc…

JEREMY
Not his real name.

TJ
It wasn’t Horc, wasn’t it that mage guy?

DAVE
We have way to many fucking NPCs.

JEREMY
It’s fine, it’s a big universe, I just have to…

MAGGIE

(Snapping her fingers.)

I’ve got it!  Grundar was that Dwarf from before, remember?

ALL OTHERS
No…

MAGGIE
Come on, guys…

(Singing.)

It was that time in the forest of something something,

The dungeon was just ahead

(To JENNY.)

You were worried there’d be beasts and Orcs and Shadow Elves and Demons

And that we’d all end up dead…

JENNY

Then he came out of the woods!
He had some leaves and some twigs in his hair!

JEREMY
You’ve got it wrong

Forget the guy’s hair!

It couldn’t have twigs and leaves – he wasn’t even there!

Now can we get on with the game?

MAGGIE
No, please, it’s gonna drive me insane!

ALL

Who is this Dwarf from before?

DAVE
Alright listen, I’ve got it…

(Singing.)

It was at the dock in the Stonebeach port

He was all alone

He was a salty sort

I remember it now

Because we asked him how

We could get up north!

TJ
You’re right!

I remember it now

How his ship was new

Or new to him

He was glad to see us

He said get on board

It was a shitty little ship

And I said good lord!

DARCY
Can this ship even float!

What’s up with this boat!

My character you recall

Is the fairest of them a-a-a-ll

ALL

Don’t remind us.

DARCY
She could never be seen

On something so obscene.

CHAZZ

But we pushed you into the boat because nevertheless

We had places to go, couldn’t hazard a guess

As to what would befall us if we stayed.

ALL but JEREMY

Right!

JEREMY

Wrong…

(Showing notes.)

Look

It’s the time you’re talking about

I had all of it planned out.

Every last detail and every last name

And here you are acting like they’re all just the same!

ALL but JEREMY
They are!

JEREMY
No they’re not!

There’s a clear and simple system

Through which I make it work

It’s a little thing God gave as called “the alphabet”

So From A to Z and back again

I take the proper steps and then

We shouldn’t get mixed up!

ALL but JEREMY
But we are!

CHAZZ
Just accept it!

We’re really not trying to fuss

You’re system’s fine

I mean do whatever

But it’s still really hard on u-u-u-s!

ALL but JEREMY

We know you try!

We know you care a lot!

But you know

Sometimes we just get lost!

There’s no real way to be certain that

We’ll remember everything

Whether good or bad!

JEREMY
Then take notes!

It’s not all that hard!

We’ve got to work together!

Like birds of a feather!

ALL but JEREMY
But when’s there’s too many birds

We get lost in the shuffle!

We can’t keep track of every little kerfuffle!

JEREMY/ALL

Oh/So come on!

ALL

Who’s this Dwarf from before?

Is he a friend or a foe?

Will we see him some more?

If he’s part of the party then we’re happy he’s here now

We could really use a healer to help us and how!

JEREMY
He’s not!  He’s just some guy!

ALL

Then call him that, and we won’t ask why!

(They get up and start to dance.)

Oh! You remember that time

We went across a river with a girl called Grime!

No! That wasn’t her name

Don’t remember what it was but it sounded the same!

The same as that Gnome who ran into that store

The same as all those Dwarves we’ve encountered before!

So!  Check your system, man

Take it from us

You need a better plan!

Name them after heroes from ol’ Ancient Greece

Hercules and Jason of the Golden Fleece!
Name them after people we all know from school!

Don’t matter if they’re geeks or they’re super cool!

Don’t take it hard, try to understand

All we really need is a helping hand!

You know!

There’s a right way to do it

Make the names easy and we’ll get down to it!

(Dance Break.)

ALL

Go!  Check your system, man

Take it from us

You need a better plan!

Don’t take it hard, try to understand!

You don’t need to name every Dwarf in the land!

JEREMY
Fine!

If that’s really what you need

I’ll make the names real boring

Hey, let’s call him Steve!

ALL but JEREMY
Steve! That’s a perfect name!

It’s easy to remember

Hey, it’s just a game!

Who cares if our names are historically sound?

Especially when he’s not gonna stick around!

We appreciate the thought and we love your style

But you got to keep it simple every once in a while!

So now that it’s set

So now that we’re clear

We’re ready to roll

We’re ready for more

So just go on and tell us

Who is this Dwarf

From bef-o-o-o-re!

(Finale.  Pause.)

JEREMY

I honestly don’t remember.